Clingy Mother Already Misses You


Despite having only being gone for two days, sources have confirmed that your mother, Lisa Young, already misses you. The 53-year-old has been reported snooping through your room, sniffing your pillowcase, and crying over your old soccer jerseys. I mean sheesh!

The woman you once saw as a role model and a pillar of strength has done nothing but cry and loathe since you headed back for your second semester. Rumor has it she has already broken her little “no wine on weekdays” rule.

Your cellphone records indicate that she has called you four times today and has left one voicemail, despite the knowledge that you are probably in class. Hey mom, ever heard of a thing called boundaries?

She really needs to just calm down. You only live 45 minutes away from home, plus you’re going back for your cousin’s wedding in like two weeks, so what’s the big deal?

So Lisa, if you’re reading this, take an ambien and chill out. Your son is fine.